I did not dress them, they changed into these ridiculous outfits when the season changed. I had not asked for them either, seeing as Sleipnir is already here in the plural, yet when I requested my ship, did it come with this specific crew to man it. I cannot fully complain, however.
[Though he stops a moment, as he thinks on that comment about "the stupid ones". Was Cid familiar? He hadn't brought him here before, and it seems as though he isn't at all surprised that the ship is here to begin with, as he likely should be. In fact, that was maybe part of...well, he supposes it doesn't matter now.]
Nay, I have no interest in arguing with you. I sought only to give you what you otherwise cannot have. Whether this ends in a exchange of mere words or our spend is up to you.
[Bastard. Really, deep down, this is all that he wants. What else even matters?]
Well, then let's go somewhere private, shall we?
[He takes Barnabas by the paw, leading him out to the deck and quickly orienting himself. Of course he knows the Einherjar well enough to be plunked into any random room and find his way about, even if it is massive.]
...Nice ship, by the way. Wish you'd have told me about it, I might have liked to properly visit my masterwork.
[He doesn't sound too serious, as usual. He only frowns for a moment.]
[His silence is agreement enough, but so too his allowing of Cid taking his paw. The warmth of Cid's hand in his inspires a feeling deep in his chest, that only seems to be pressing slowly into his mind through the tightest of passages. Such is the nature of the fetters, simply to allow a strait for his feelings and desire that is otherwise blocked entirely.
As they make their way towards the room, Barnabas' ears twitch upward as Cid addresses the matter of the ship.]
Bringing you here was just that, though you had spoiled that on your own by your subdued reaction. Unsurprising, impetuous and impatient as always.
[Oh, son of a bitch. He’s not usually so slow on the fucking uptake. Right. He hadn’t slept much at all in this eventful week.]
…I suppose I always was one to peek at my gifts. Ah, fuck. I’m sorry, Barney.
[He turns to take Barnabas’ hands in his, smiling up at him.] You got this for us?
[Cid actually blushes as he takes one hand back and rubs the back of his neck.] I didn’t know you cared like that still.
[He presses forward, throwing his arms around Barnabas’ neck and giving him a chaste kiss meant to convey gratitude, but not devolve into fucking right here right now.]
Wholly unnecessary to apologize, it is only yourself that you disappoint in your haste.
[As Cid turns and takes his hands, both of them, in his, smiling up at him like the young boy he used to be, Barnabas feels a twinge of something deep within himself. His eyes scan Cid's features while his own remain mostly impassive—but his eyes give away that warm he feels. However slight it might be in the moment.
Then Cid has his arms around him, kissing him with gratitude. It is...a long forgotten feeling, to be appreciated in such a way, and to feel its effects as he does now. Minute as it may be, but it's something, compared to the endless void that otherwise fills him. He brings his arms around him as well, circling his waist as those strong paw-like hands hold the small of his back.
Once the kiss breaks, Barnabas finally speaks.]
I cannot, not without the fetters, thus my behest for them. However, I can think, and I can reason, even if you think me beyond it. As such, I decided to bring forth the Einherjar—for us.
[And by God, how he wants to believe it that Barnabas speaks true. Fully and completely. But he knows it’s complicated. He knows Barnabas is complicated, and always has been. Barnabas can think and reason, but what are his motives?]
I’ve got ideas, then, to make this more comfortable for you.
[His fingers trace the collar and he peers up at Barnabas through long lashes.]
And what’s your thinking and reasoning behind all this? What are you trying to say with all of it? That you imply that there’s an “us” at all…
[He could make up convenient rationalizations for it all, but if Barnabas is going to lie to him about something, he’d rather he lie for himself.]
[At the idea that Cid has thought about making him more comfortable, he's uncertain what to make of it. That Cid would concern himself with such a matter isn't beyond him, in fact, it is well within his character and his behavior, yet...]
My thinking is that if we are to exist here together, then concessions must needs be made. I may be a warrior King, but even I know when to sue for peace. That we might find the common ground with which we both once stood.
We are inexonerably drawn to one another, but need it always be a clash when we meet? Could it not be something more than that?
[His voice sounds genuine, perhaps even a measure of softness to it—fondness, really. As he speaks, he rubs at the small of Cid's back, a gesture uncharacteristically warm, but perhaps it wasn't so uncharacteristic once upon a time...]
[The warmth of Cidolfus against his nude form excites him, and his body is quick to make that obvious. How inconvenient when his bodily and mental arousal can connect, and how easily it stirs the former into action. He simply tries to ignore it, but that's something a little hard to do for Cid, probably, when it's pressing against him.]
Of course I have a bed, let us away to it.
[It will be easier to discuss matters in his captain's quarters than standing around with Cid's body pressed to his while he grows increasingly more aroused. Thus he pulls away from Cid, releasing him, as he leads them off the deck and inside. Fortunately his lack of shame makes walking with an erection barely register in his mind. It isn't too terribly long before they are to his quarters, despite the massive size of the ship.
The room is...well, it's honestly depressing, and part of Barnabas can recognize that now, more on an emotional level. Trickling though the emotions still prove to be. A single throne-like chair sat before the windows that look out at the sea, and his absurdly large bed are all that's worth noting in the room. It isn't like he needs much else, though he's certain Cid will say something.
As he turns to look at his companion, his expression stays impassive, yet somewhat expectant. As if he's inviting Cid to get whatever it is he has to say out of his system so that they may continue. This probably looks especially ridiculous given his aroused state, but Barnabas pays that no mind.]
You look like nothing arouses you more than your ardent disdain for decor.
[Cid supplies reliably. He laughs, walking past him as he shakes his head. But at that he lets it go. He knows how Barnabas is. Is now. Whatever. He sits on his bed and shuffles back until he’s comfortably near the pillows. He’s already dressed down pretty severely as it is as well, though not fully nude as Barnabas was. After all, He was just in his own home in the evening before Barnabas abducted him. Cid is in a comfortable, warm pair of fleece lounge pants and a grey t-shirt with a plunging neckline; anything else would make him feel strangled, after all.]
Come here, lover. [He smirks at him and winks, patting the spot next to him as if Barnabas is a dog that requires a motion based cue. Well. He as nearly furry enough to be one.]
[That nearly pulls a smirk out of him, but he refrains. Instead, he simply allows Cid to walk past him and make himself comfort on the bed. Even dressed in those unfamiliar clothes he cannot help but feel so terribly aroused looking at him, like his erection is renewed. It's honestly a bit of a problem, and part of him wonders if he was always this aroused around Cid before he became akashic, or if this might be a byproduct of what he's become.
It doesn't matter.
At the cue, he nearly comes, but then stops at the patting. His eyes looking at the spot, then leveling a flat stare at Cid.]
Are you to treat me as a beast?
[He knows he basically is one, even without the fluffy ears, but still.]
Would you have me treat you as a man instead? I thought you abhorred that. [Cid tests and teases, chuckling and allowing his eyes to roam Barnabas’ form. He leans back on his palms and looks at Barnabas with nothing but open, playful curiosity.]
Here I thought you envied them and their purity to their nature and purpose. Unless you’ve had a change of heart? [He licks his lips unconsciously as he beholds him, his one little tell that it don’t really matter what he says, he just wants him in his arms. ]
[That's met with a silent stare, and silent compliance as he makes his way over to join Cid. He has a point, though who he favors treating him as the wretched beast he is...isn't other Dominants. However, this is about Cid, or so he is allowing it to be.]
I think we both know where my heart is these days.
Must be lonely for your heart most days, then. [Cid tilts his head slightly, momentarily, holding his gaze.]
Then what about the rest of the days?
[Cid asks, but he collects Barnabas’ head into his lap like the dog he’s insinuating that he is. He runs his hands through his hair and his fur, feeling the new features on his scalp without invitation.]
…If it helps, I could tell you what my heart tells me, as I haven’t gagged it like an annoying prisoner. [Like you have. He softens his words by rubbing the soft velvet of his ears.]
It's odd, to be directed to lay in his lap this way. Such an act is something he typically reserves for...well. He pushes that thought from his mind, and simply allows Cid to do this, petting him as if he were some animal. It's oddly soothing, and he doesn't know what to make of that.
Besides, that question sticks with him, even if he doesn't answer it immediately. Instead he chooses to think on how to answer it. At Cid's offering, he peers at him, staring at hims expectantly, his silent invitation for him to go on.
His ears flicking a little when Cid rubs them in certain places, while others make him tilt his head into the rubbing. He doesn't seem to notice he's doing this.]
[Cid does not vocalize this, he dares not ruin it.]
[Cid sucks on his teeth at the mere idea that Barnabas claims that he is not lonely. Whatever. That would be a stupid place for him to stop over when he’s got better things to fill his head with. He gazes down at that expectant stare.]
I think about your words, about uniting the Dominants. But I think about them each as men that I value and treasure, who offer me the opportunity to learn and grow, to shed light on thoughts that I’ve allowed to become stagnant and unchallenged.
[He draws his nails along Barnabas’ scalp, separating sections of hair and scratching lightly there.] But most of all, I think of us and what makes my heart feel full and happy. I think about what I crave when I’m left alone, and I don’t think that it’s all naive boyhood yearning.
There was a long time where there really was no hope of ever having this again, but doesn’t even the whisper, the chance of having it again not intoxicate you? It feels like nothing else. What if we let the past go? What if we rewrote our futures? Hell, I didn’t even have one until a few months ago.
[Cid pinches his lips between his teeth for a moment, reigning in his breathing.]
[Barnabas is silent for a long, oppressive moment. For all Cid's petting and scratching, for all he leans into it, or shifts this way or that to accommodate the endeavor, he does seem like he's focused and somewhere else entirely as he thinks on what he presents him.
What if we rewrote our futures?
It's a tempting thought, one he would utterly rebuke if not for the collar upon his neck.
Nothing else feels like love, does it?
This is true, even akashic as he is, in the end he seeks love. He yearns for it, for the bliss that love grants him. The shield from suffering that it should bestow upon him. Yet, he knows all too well that man's love is fickle and fleeting. That not even Cid's could withstand what Ultima's could.]
How can I trust that you will not abandon me?
[He doesn't look at Cid as he asks, his gaze fixed on the windows across the way, at the sea as it crashes upon itself, much as mankind is wont to do.]
[Cid’s voice quickens and pinches with the emotion pumping through him.]
Because where else would I go? I go to you, even when you beat and belittle me! I return to you even when you use me and leave, like a whore! And not even a whore you’re affectionate for.
[Cid shakes his head, mostly at himself.]
Look… If I was going to abandon you, if I could abandon you, I would have done it already with how hard you make it for me.
[Cid sighs, idly feeling the shape and weight of his horns.]
But I can’t be like this forever. I can’t tolerate the abuse forever. Well. I don’t know. Maybe I can. I love you. But you have to love me as well, and you have to act like it someday. I know how pathetic that is.
[He knows that he has abused him as well. It’s a bit rich, but Barnabas started it, hadn’t he?… Hadn’t he? He can’t remember anymore. Barnabas makes him feel such fluctuating, roiling feelings. It clouds his fucking mind.]
[He clenches his jaw. A thought comes to him, one he has entertained and shooed many times over the years.]
Tell me. What would you have had me do, rather than what I did? What part did you have for me in your schemes? How should it all unfolded, ideally?
[Again with the fucking silence as he contemplates his answer, as he considers Cidolfus' words. His gaze stays unbroken upon those waves, their perpetual and faithful cycle of mutually assured destruction somehow soothing to his mind.
He needs it, after hearing those three words from Cid again. Normally it does nothing to him, but normally he has a nigh impenetrable shroud of aether around his heart, but as of right now he has a break in the wall. A weak spot where Cid's words and affections can slip in and infect him, worsen his corruption.
He takes solace in the fact that when the collar is removed, it will be rooted out, as his desires will be.]
So, you would have me simply because I am inevitable?
[He guesses that does sound like love.]
Nevertheless, had plans unfolded as intended...the Dominants would have been united under Waloed, and we would play our part in sating Mythos' ravenous hunger thus making him presentable to our Master. With your connections that you forged as Lord Commander and years of infiltrating Storm, you would have located Mythos, the Phoenix, and Shiva. Procuring them as you had Garuda, and as she had Titan. With Phoenix's ties to Bahamut, we would save him from his place as Sanbreque's celebrated whore.
You need not have died to fulfill your role in feeding Mythos, though if we were to cross the gates to paradise, then you would have needed to surrender your will as I have.
[Finally he glances at Cid.]
That we might know salvation and peace forevermore once our world was saved through our joint efforts in service to the Lord.
See, that’s what fucking gets me, Barney. You had me in the palm of your hand. You could have told me fucking anything, and yet you told me nothing. You just gradually became more and more distant. Because I can tell you what I would have done, were I you, to accomplish all of that.
[Cid scrubs his face with a hand.]
So we have two problems. One, you’re not fucking stupid, so how did you fuck that one up so much? I adored you, I looked up to you, I was trying to build a family with you. Did you just get clumsy? Did you get senile? What happened?
[He goes back to petting him, creating dissonance from his words, though in tone he says them gently, as if he’s trying to soothe an animal.]
The other problem, love, is that you’re a fucking liar. Now. I don’t have such a problem with that, you know? Takes one to know one. So which bit of that is the main lie that the others hang on?
‘Cause it’s one thing or the other. Either you got sloppy and lost control of me, or… Or you’re lying! Which is it?
[He asks with that neutral placidity that haunts his voice like a specter.]
You would have me believe for a moment that had I explained all of that, you would have simply accepted it? I told you I had a dream to unite the Dominants, to forge a new world, one where we would be treated as we deserved, where equality would reign as it should. I did not lie there, and it is consistent.
[Despite how this conversation is going, Barnabas does stay put. He doesn't know if it's simply his desire, or if his newly forming nature being what he is keeps him complacent.]
Had I told you of my Lord, would you have stayed? Would you have surrendered your will? Do not lie to me, Cidolfus, we both know you would never. Not for me, not for anyone.
You want it both ways? You want me to believe that you were capable of and actively telling the truth? Well let’s be clear: you were lying. Lying by omission is still lying, by the way. But you want to shrug off fault as something that only belongs to me? It’s my fault that you lied to me without even trying because you simply assumed?
[Cid grabs his big fuzzy head and turns it so that he has to look into his eyes.]
Well, it’s your scheme you fucked up, was it not? Take some responsibility, or put it onto Ultima. You may as well. I saw that thing at the end, you know. And I knew when I saw it that that was the face of the thing that had been driving you insane.
[He scoffs, his chest tightens.]
This fucking kills me, alright? I can’t believe you didn’t even respect me enough to try to tell me. These are your judgements of your own truths that you projected onto me. I believe in and actively sought the truth, Barnabas. And if it was all the absolute and objective truth, as you believed, and the only path forward… Then what can I say? What could I do? Then- Then! If we want to pretend that’s all true? Then how dare you not entrust me with it! If I had the potential to fuck it all up in ignorance-
If we were truly just meant to be united, then you should have gone with me! You can be anywhere, and you chose to leave me to figure it out on my own.
[Cid shakes his head, grimacing.]
All I had to go off of for the path forward were my own theories and calculations. Would have been real nice to run them by God, of all things!
[He takes his hands off of him for a moment and goes fishing for a cigar, but he doesn’t have any in his pajamas. Motherfucker.]
[As Cid takes his head, forcing him to fully look at him, he scowls. Not his usual emotionless steely scowl, but something with actual emotion behind it, however faint and trickle-fed it might be.]
Would it have killed you to place your faith in me? You were the one who chose to cut your imagined losses and run. Had you simply followed my directions, had you trusted in me, then you would not have abandoned all we had created like a self-serving coward. We could have continued apace, forging paradise together.
Yet you dare to say I left you, because I chose to stay within my kingdom in lieu of a cave lined with rotting wood, filled with a community barely held together with feeble convictions and half-spun theories. And you claim it was I who was driven insane.
[He scoffs.]
Had you an ounce of loyalty in you as Benedikta had, then you would not have been put down like a traitorous hound. She, too, might have survived.
[As he says these things, however, he feels his chest tighten. Painfully so. Inconvenient...]
I was killed entirely by fucking accident, Barnabas. There was no guarantee I would have survived all of that long enough to give Ramuh to Clive. Benedikta was the one who was put down like a mad dog, Barnabas. She became Lost, and where were you? What did her loyalty get her?
[His tears have all dried up, but his face still scrunches like he might have a few left. Cid snarls.]
My half-spun theories could have been tested by a peer. But it’s a shame I had none, apparently. That cave of rotting wood had more love and faith in it than your entire castle. We kept one another and lifted one another. …How could I have faith when you gave me nothing to hold onto? Were you just acting in mimicry of Ultima? Does your God truly give you nothing to hold onto either?
How quickly you forget you abandoned her. Where was I? Where were you? I had my kingdom to attend, you however ran about free, pretending that your chaotic and misplaced good deeds would make a difference, but all it did was bring about more death.
[After all, she would not have had to face Clive alone if Cidolfus was on her side.]
The Almighty gives me my orders, and I follow them. As you should have done. Was I not enough for you? You claim to have loved me, that you wished to make a family with me, yet you were more than willing to destroy that when it suited you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
levindicated) wrote2018-09-14 04:07 pm
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[Though he stops a moment, as he thinks on that comment about "the stupid ones". Was Cid familiar? He hadn't brought him here before, and it seems as though he isn't at all surprised that the ship is here to begin with, as he likely should be. In fact, that was maybe part of...well, he supposes it doesn't matter now.]
Nay, I have no interest in arguing with you. I sought only to give you what you otherwise cannot have. Whether this ends in a exchange of mere words or our spend is up to you.
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Well, then let's go somewhere private, shall we?
[He takes Barnabas by the paw, leading him out to the deck and quickly orienting himself. Of course he knows the Einherjar well enough to be plunked into any random room and find his way about, even if it is massive.]
...Nice ship, by the way. Wish you'd have told me about it, I might have liked to properly visit my masterwork.
[He doesn't sound too serious, as usual. He only frowns for a moment.]
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As they make their way towards the room, Barnabas' ears twitch upward as Cid addresses the matter of the ship.]
Bringing you here was just that, though you had spoiled that on your own by your subdued reaction. Unsurprising, impetuous and impatient as always.
[He could sound more annoyed, honestly.]
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…I suppose I always was one to peek at my gifts. Ah, fuck. I’m sorry, Barney.
[He turns to take Barnabas’ hands in his, smiling up at him.] You got this for us?
[Cid actually blushes as he takes one hand back and rubs the back of his neck.] I didn’t know you cared like that still.
[He presses forward, throwing his arms around Barnabas’ neck and giving him a chaste kiss meant to convey gratitude, but not devolve into fucking right here right now.]
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[As Cid turns and takes his hands, both of them, in his, smiling up at him like the young boy he used to be, Barnabas feels a twinge of something deep within himself. His eyes scan Cid's features while his own remain mostly impassive—but his eyes give away that warm he feels. However slight it might be in the moment.
Then Cid has his arms around him, kissing him with gratitude. It is...a long forgotten feeling, to be appreciated in such a way, and to feel its effects as he does now. Minute as it may be, but it's something, compared to the endless void that otherwise fills him. He brings his arms around him as well, circling his waist as those strong paw-like hands hold the small of his back.
Once the kiss breaks, Barnabas finally speaks.]
I cannot, not without the fetters, thus my behest for them. However, I can think, and I can reason, even if you think me beyond it. As such, I decided to bring forth the Einherjar—for us.
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[And by God, how he wants to believe it that Barnabas speaks true. Fully and completely. But he knows it’s complicated. He knows Barnabas is complicated, and always has been. Barnabas can think and reason, but what are his motives?]
I’ve got ideas, then, to make this more comfortable for you.
[His fingers trace the collar and he peers up at Barnabas through long lashes.]
And what’s your thinking and reasoning behind all this? What are you trying to say with all of it? That you imply that there’s an “us” at all…
[He could make up convenient rationalizations for it all, but if Barnabas is going to lie to him about something, he’d rather he lie for himself.]
no subject
My thinking is that if we are to exist here together, then concessions must needs be made. I may be a warrior King, but even I know when to sue for peace. That we might find the common ground with which we both once stood.
We are inexonerably drawn to one another, but need it always be a clash when we meet? Could it not be something more than that?
[His voice sounds genuine, perhaps even a measure of softness to it—fondness, really. As he speaks, he rubs at the small of Cid's back, a gesture uncharacteristically warm, but perhaps it wasn't so uncharacteristic once upon a time...]
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[He allows himself to be pulled in further, body flush against Barnabas' monstrous, though admittedly very cute, form.]
So, what I'm hearing is- That you'd like some peace, and you've got a peace offering right under my boots and your- paws. Pardon me.
[He bites he inside of his cheek.]
Well... How could I say no to that? [He swallows thickly at the concept of "something more".]
Do you still have a bed?
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[The warmth of Cidolfus against his nude form excites him, and his body is quick to make that obvious. How inconvenient when his bodily and mental arousal can connect, and how easily it stirs the former into action. He simply tries to ignore it, but that's something a little hard to do for Cid, probably, when it's pressing against him.]
Of course I have a bed, let us away to it.
[It will be easier to discuss matters in his captain's quarters than standing around with Cid's body pressed to his while he grows increasingly more aroused. Thus he pulls away from Cid, releasing him, as he leads them off the deck and inside. Fortunately his lack of shame makes walking with an erection barely register in his mind. It isn't too terribly long before they are to his quarters, despite the massive size of the ship.
The room is...well, it's honestly depressing, and part of Barnabas can recognize that now, more on an emotional level. Trickling though the emotions still prove to be. A single throne-like chair sat before the windows that look out at the sea, and his absurdly large bed are all that's worth noting in the room. It isn't like he needs much else, though he's certain Cid will say something.
As he turns to look at his companion, his expression stays impassive, yet somewhat expectant. As if he's inviting Cid to get whatever it is he has to say out of his system so that they may continue. This probably looks especially ridiculous given his aroused state, but Barnabas pays that no mind.]
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[Cid supplies reliably. He laughs, walking past him as he shakes his head. But at that he lets it go. He knows how Barnabas is. Is now. Whatever. He sits on his bed and shuffles back until he’s comfortably near the pillows. He’s already dressed down pretty severely as it is as well, though not fully nude as Barnabas was. After all, He was just in his own home in the evening before Barnabas abducted him. Cid is in a comfortable, warm pair of fleece lounge pants and a grey t-shirt with a plunging neckline; anything else would make him feel strangled, after all.]
Come here, lover. [He smirks at him and winks, patting the spot next to him as if Barnabas is a dog that requires a motion based cue. Well. He as nearly furry enough to be one.]
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It doesn't matter.
At the cue, he nearly comes, but then stops at the patting. His eyes looking at the spot, then leveling a flat stare at Cid.]
Are you to treat me as a beast?
[He knows he basically is one, even without the fluffy ears, but still.]
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Here I thought you envied them and their purity to their nature and purpose. Unless you’ve had a change of heart? [He licks his lips unconsciously as he beholds him, his one little tell that it don’t really matter what he says, he just wants him in his arms. ]
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I think we both know where my heart is these days.
[Is what he finally says, before looking to Cid.]
Most days, I should say.
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Then what about the rest of the days?
[Cid asks, but he collects Barnabas’ head into his lap like the dog he’s insinuating that he is. He runs his hands through his hair and his fur, feeling the new features on his scalp without invitation.]
…If it helps, I could tell you what my heart tells me, as I haven’t gagged it like an annoying prisoner. [Like you have. He softens his words by rubbing the soft velvet of his ears.]
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[He does, he simply can't recognize it as such.
It's odd, to be directed to lay in his lap this way. Such an act is something he typically reserves for...well. He pushes that thought from his mind, and simply allows Cid to do this, petting him as if he were some animal. It's oddly soothing, and he doesn't know what to make of that.
Besides, that question sticks with him, even if he doesn't answer it immediately. Instead he chooses to think on how to answer it. At Cid's offering, he peers at him, staring at hims expectantly, his silent invitation for him to go on.
His ears flicking a little when Cid rubs them in certain places, while others make him tilt his head into the rubbing. He doesn't seem to notice he's doing this.]
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[Cid does not vocalize this, he dares not ruin it.]
[Cid sucks on his teeth at the mere idea that Barnabas claims that he is not lonely. Whatever. That would be a stupid place for him to stop over when he’s got better things to fill his head with. He gazes down at that expectant stare.]
I think about your words, about uniting the Dominants. But I think about them each as men that I value and treasure, who offer me the opportunity to learn and grow, to shed light on thoughts that I’ve allowed to become stagnant and unchallenged.
[He draws his nails along Barnabas’ scalp, separating sections of hair and scratching lightly there.] But most of all, I think of us and what makes my heart feel full and happy. I think about what I crave when I’m left alone, and I don’t think that it’s all naive boyhood yearning.
There was a long time where there really was no hope of ever having this again, but doesn’t even the whisper, the chance of having it again not intoxicate you? It feels like nothing else. What if we let the past go? What if we rewrote our futures? Hell, I didn’t even have one until a few months ago.
[Cid pinches his lips between his teeth for a moment, reigning in his breathing.]
Nothing else feels like love, does it?
no subject
What if we rewrote our futures?
It's a tempting thought, one he would utterly rebuke if not for the collar upon his neck.
Nothing else feels like love, does it?
This is true, even akashic as he is, in the end he seeks love. He yearns for it, for the bliss that love grants him. The shield from suffering that it should bestow upon him. Yet, he knows all too well that man's love is fickle and fleeting. That not even Cid's could withstand what Ultima's could.]
How can I trust that you will not abandon me?
[He doesn't look at Cid as he asks, his gaze fixed on the windows across the way, at the sea as it crashes upon itself, much as mankind is wont to do.]
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Because where else would I go? I go to you, even when you beat and belittle me! I return to you even when you use me and leave, like a whore! And not even a whore you’re affectionate for.
[Cid shakes his head, mostly at himself.]
Look… If I was going to abandon you, if I could abandon you, I would have done it already with how hard you make it for me.
[Cid sighs, idly feeling the shape and weight of his horns.]
But I can’t be like this forever. I can’t tolerate the abuse forever. Well. I don’t know. Maybe I can. I love you. But you have to love me as well, and you have to act like it someday. I know how pathetic that is.
[He knows that he has abused him as well. It’s a bit rich, but Barnabas started it, hadn’t he?… Hadn’t he? He can’t remember anymore. Barnabas makes him feel such fluctuating, roiling feelings. It clouds his fucking mind.]
[He clenches his jaw. A thought comes to him, one he has entertained and shooed many times over the years.]
Tell me. What would you have had me do, rather than what I did? What part did you have for me in your schemes? How should it all unfolded, ideally?
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He needs it, after hearing those three words from Cid again. Normally it does nothing to him, but normally he has a nigh impenetrable shroud of aether around his heart, but as of right now he has a break in the wall. A weak spot where Cid's words and affections can slip in and infect him, worsen his corruption.
He takes solace in the fact that when the collar is removed, it will be rooted out, as his desires will be.]
So, you would have me simply because I am inevitable?
[He guesses that does sound like love.]
Nevertheless, had plans unfolded as intended...the Dominants would have been united under Waloed, and we would play our part in sating Mythos' ravenous hunger thus making him presentable to our Master. With your connections that you forged as Lord Commander and years of infiltrating Storm, you would have located Mythos, the Phoenix, and Shiva. Procuring them as you had Garuda, and as she had Titan. With Phoenix's ties to Bahamut, we would save him from his place as Sanbreque's celebrated whore.
You need not have died to fulfill your role in feeding Mythos, though if we were to cross the gates to paradise, then you would have needed to surrender your will as I have.
[Finally he glances at Cid.]
That we might know salvation and peace forevermore once our world was saved through our joint efforts in service to the Lord.
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[Cid scrubs his face with a hand.]
So we have two problems. One, you’re not fucking stupid, so how did you fuck that one up so much? I adored you, I looked up to you, I was trying to build a family with you. Did you just get clumsy? Did you get senile? What happened?
[He goes back to petting him, creating dissonance from his words, though in tone he says them gently, as if he’s trying to soothe an animal.]
The other problem, love, is that you’re a fucking liar. Now. I don’t have such a problem with that, you know? Takes one to know one. So which bit of that is the main lie that the others hang on?
‘Cause it’s one thing or the other. Either you got sloppy and lost control of me, or… Or you’re lying! Which is it?
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[He asks with that neutral placidity that haunts his voice like a specter.]
You would have me believe for a moment that had I explained all of that, you would have simply accepted it? I told you I had a dream to unite the Dominants, to forge a new world, one where we would be treated as we deserved, where equality would reign as it should. I did not lie there, and it is consistent.
[Despite how this conversation is going, Barnabas does stay put. He doesn't know if it's simply his desire, or if his newly forming nature being what he is keeps him complacent.]
Had I told you of my Lord, would you have stayed? Would you have surrendered your will? Do not lie to me, Cidolfus, we both know you would never. Not for me, not for anyone.
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[Cid grabs his big fuzzy head and turns it so that he has to look into his eyes.]
Well, it’s your scheme you fucked up, was it not? Take some responsibility, or put it onto Ultima. You may as well. I saw that thing at the end, you know. And I knew when I saw it that that was the face of the thing that had been driving you insane.
[He scoffs, his chest tightens.]
This fucking kills me, alright? I can’t believe you didn’t even respect me enough to try to tell me. These are your judgements of your own truths that you projected onto me. I believe in and actively sought the truth, Barnabas. And if it was all the absolute and objective truth, as you believed, and the only path forward… Then what can I say? What could I do? Then- Then! If we want to pretend that’s all true? Then how dare you not entrust me with it! If I had the potential to fuck it all up in ignorance-
If we were truly just meant to be united, then you should have gone with me! You can be anywhere, and you chose to leave me to figure it out on my own.
[Cid shakes his head, grimacing.]
All I had to go off of for the path forward were my own theories and calculations. Would have been real nice to run them by God, of all things!
[He takes his hands off of him for a moment and goes fishing for a cigar, but he doesn’t have any in his pajamas. Motherfucker.]
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Would it have killed you to place your faith in me? You were the one who chose to cut your imagined losses and run. Had you simply followed my directions, had you trusted in me, then you would not have abandoned all we had created like a self-serving coward. We could have continued apace, forging paradise together.
Yet you dare to say I left you, because I chose to stay within my kingdom in lieu of a cave lined with rotting wood, filled with a community barely held together with feeble convictions and half-spun theories. And you claim it was I who was driven insane.
[He scoffs.]
Had you an ounce of loyalty in you as Benedikta had, then you would not have been put down like a traitorous hound. She, too, might have survived.
[As he says these things, however, he feels his chest tighten. Painfully so. Inconvenient...]
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[His tears have all dried up, but his face still scrunches like he might have a few left. Cid snarls.]
My half-spun theories could have been tested by a peer. But it’s a shame I had none, apparently. That cave of rotting wood had more love and faith in it than your entire castle. We kept one another and lifted one another. …How could I have faith when you gave me nothing to hold onto? Were you just acting in mimicry of Ultima? Does your God truly give you nothing to hold onto either?
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[After all, she would not have had to face Clive alone if Cidolfus was on her side.]
The Almighty gives me my orders, and I follow them. As you should have done. Was I not enough for you? You claim to have loved me, that you wished to make a family with me, yet you were more than willing to destroy that when it suited you.
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